looking again

Sometimes - I mean, most of the time - I can’t figure out what I’m doing.

I just binged ): That makes two nights in a row, but ah well. I know what was going on; I’ll smile and move on.

I am literally averting my eyes from draft four of my paper. There are so many things wrong with it: it’s too short, it’s too superficial, it’s too short, it’s too incoherent… but by far the biggest problem is that it’s written by me. Graahhh. (And it’s not even the copy on which my teacher’s made annotations!)

I will now insulate myself with some good ambient music, sit at my desk, and commence the editing.

Blood will run.

What I’m inclined to do, at this point of utter frustration and exhaustion, is to whine and whinge and maybe have a nice cry, accompanied with a good-sized side of profanity. (Because incidentally, tiredness exponentially increases my inclination to swear. Only that it simultaneously decreases the energy available to follow through; profanity almost always needs a good hit of energy behind it for maximum stress-busting effect.)

Or, what I could be inclined to otherwise do is to go all faux-religious. All, ‘Ooooh I’m so sad but I’m going to copy all the good Christians who suck it up and offer up a prayer and ask other people to pray for them’. That’s… wrong in so many ways - self-glorifying being one of the foremost.

So now I’m left with few options. One of them, just to admit I can’t do this alone. Then graciously accept what follows from the ultimate provider.

This too shall pass. Thank You.

I’ve been speaking (rather enthusiastically, if I may say so myself) to my juniors about how amazingly fun and enriching the KI experience is, especially if you’re into school for being educated, not trained. This is something that I always find they’re not really into - I have no idea what it is that they think of when they think about KI lessons, but so far I don’t think I’ve seen joy.

This, and the impending deadline for presenting five hundred words of my Independent Study (henceforth known as IS), have given me ample fodder for thought. That is, when my brain does triumph over my body in the battle for time between sleep and work.

Last year when we started KI, it was the most fun thing in the world. I loved it. I would turn up with a colourfully-inked notebook and at least feelings of anticipation. We were learning; becoming educated. As I would have said, so cool!

This year I only feel tired. Somehow the lustre has worn off; we’re now so normalised to being the KI people that where we used to (ill-advisedly) laugh at people who thought all philosophy was something called ‘existentialism’, we just… don’t talk about it.

At the same time, everyone’s so much smarted and philosophically-educated than I am, and it’s immensely tiring. And when there’s no right answer you can strive towards - or seemingly even a justifiably ‘better’ answer - it’s so tiring. When does it all stop? Not to mention of course, the exams looming over our heads.

Thinking used to be work and now it’s labour.

bindmyheart:

I am at the absolutely weirdest phase of my life right now. 

Here, have a hug. (: (I know reblogging is the absolute clumsiest way to send a virtual hug, but I’m so noob at this…)

Ohhhh… totally.

It’s one thing to get really excited when your independent research essay advisor talks to you about all the possibilities you could look into. It’s another thing when you show him your proposal and he gets excited.